Andy's Top 5 Crappy Movies
by Andy Bartsch
How many times have you looked at a trailer for a movie and you could already tell the movie was terrible? The plot looks nonexistent. The actors look like they’re just collecting a paycheck. Luke Evans is in it. You’ve already decided to yourself, “Pshh, I’m never going to see that garbage.” Well, my friends, have you ever heard the expression: “One’s man’s trash is another man’s treasure”?
It’s true. Nowadays, a lot of people are getting even more enjoyment out of seeing what is considered a “bad” movie than most big budget Hollywood blockbusters. Think about it. Wouldn’t you rather watch one of those movies on Netflix instant play that seem too silly to ever get a theatrical release than the new Michael Bay explosion-fest?
Putting quality aside, there’s a lot of entertainment to be found in films that look less than desirable on the surface. Take the Twilight films for example. They are by all accounts terrible movies. The story is ridiculous and filled with plot holes. The acting is terrible. The characters and their motivations make as much sense as putting a screen door on a battleship.
But aren’t they hilarious films?
“Hang on, little spider monkey”? Are you serious? Sparkling vampires that don’t drink blood? Vampires who STILL ATTEND HIGH SCHOOL? That is funny!"
And that’s the truth, folks. A bad movie is a great source for great laughs. Who needs Shakespearean dialog when there’s someone shaking a kid who’s taking a nap, telling them to “Wake up, it’s time for bed.” Don’t overlook a bad movie, people. Give it a shot. Here are a few of my recommendations and why.
Legion (2010)
So God has had it with humanity and how bad we’ve messed things up. What does He do about it? He sends angels who look and act an awful lot like demons to stop a waitress from having a baby…
I forgot what most of this movie was about.
What I DIDN’T forget is the Demon-Granny. If you’ve seen the trailer, you’ve seen the Demon-Granny. You saw her turning into a terrible CGI character bouncing around a tiny diner like a Loony Tunes character. She then starts climbing on the walls with agility that would make Spider-man jealous. “Aunt May, what are you doing? Get DOWN!”
“Demon-Granny is gonna take a bite outta crime!”
Do yourself a favor. Watch this ridiculous film. Do it for Demon-Granny and her Oscar worthy scene. We love you Demon-Granny. Your Hell cookies are the best.
Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2010)
Imagine the Hitchcock classic “The Birds” if you took out the solid script, likable and charming characters with good chemistry, amazing special effects and the actual terror of our featured friends in the skies? Sounds boring as hell, right? Now imagine that’s all been replaced with a forced love story between two people with no actual chemistry, forced and out of place environmental messages, awkward dialog, editing that could done better using two VCRs, clip art special effects, and WIRE HANGERS!!!
Some of the ridiculous scenes include birds dive-bombing and exploding on impact, a man robbing someone to SELL him some gasoline, and most notably, out heroes fighting off the birds with unhinged wire hangers. Watching this movie, you can’t help but wonder to yourself if this movie was meant to look this unprofessional intentionally. No, this is director James Nguyen’s solid attempt at a “romantic thriller”.
The most surprising part about this film isn’t that it was released to the public, but that there’s a SEQUEL!
The Room (2003)
Tommy Wiseau is a handsome...thing....
Get your spoons ready. Tommy Wiseau’s drama turned self-aware comedy has become notorious for being what has been described as the most fascinatingly bad film of all time. Think of the worst and most clichéd moments from a soap opera and mix it with softcore porn. You have “The Room”.
The plot is very simple- Lisa has become bored with her six-foot-five, long haired gristle-man Johnny, and started cheated on him with his handsome catalog model best friend, Mark. There are several long, awkward sex scenes (that seem to include naval penetration), but it’s what happens in between that makes this film special. People tossing a football around in tuxedos. A random plot point about a fake pregnancy that lasts roughly 3 minutes. Oh, and apparently, breast cancer isn’t something to worry about too much.
This film also makes a strong anti drug message. You know drugs are bad, right? I learned a lot from this movie. Did you know marijuana makes you very angry and almost kill your best friend? I guess Nancy Grace is right. That stuff is dangerous.
In all seriousness, this is not one to miss. This film deserves its cult following. If you can, catch a live screening of it. After watching the film, read actor Greg Sestero’s book “The Disaster Artist” to get a fascinating look behind the scenes of the movie. If you can’t catch a live screening, get a bunch of friends, a few beers and enjoy yourselves.
Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)
If you are a Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan, you know all about Manos. Yeah, buddy. The same year Star Trek came to the small screen, “Manos” was gracing us on the big silver ones. Filmed on a shoestring budget (and it shows) “Manos” was the baby of fertilizer salesman Hal Warren, who not only directed the film, but also starred as the films protagonist, Mike.
Mike, his wife, Margaret and their daughter, Debbie, are on vacation and get lost in the backwoods of El Paso, Texas. They find themselves at a small inn that’s being taken care of by a man named Torgo (he takes care of the place while the Master is away). The film becomes an awkward mess of scenes of Torgo taking their luggage in, taking their luggage back to the car, then back in again. The daughter runs away for a smoke break, Mike disappears for an extended period of time, Torgo peeps on Margaret, women fight in togas for several minutes, and Torgo limps a lot.
"Stop! The Master would not approve...of the low low prices we're letting these couches go for! Come on down to Torgo's Couch and Sofa Emporium!"
“Manos” shares a lot of the same problems as “Birdemic”, with a lot of inexperienced people working behind the scenes. Nontheless, the film is a riot. Why no one has made a talking Torgo doll at this point is beyond me. Tickle-Me-Torgo: He takes care of the place while the Master is away.
Okay, I’m going to say it: Manos deserves to be remade. With a proper budget and the right people behind the cameras, Manos could have been a horror classic. Get Quentin Tarantino on it! Rumor has it Tarantino is such a fan of “Manos”, he has one of the only prints in existence. Get on it, Quentin! Just keep your buddy Eli Roth away from it.
FAR away…
STOP MAKING MOVIES, ELI ROTH!
The Happening (2008)
"What is that smell? Did Shyamalan not shower again? Look, pal no one thinks your a genius anymore, you can't get a way with stuff like that. Say hi to your mother for me."
Remember when M. Night Shyamalan was supposed to be the next Spielberg? That was funny. Know what else is funny? M. Night Shyamalan’s movies! Honestly, the guy knows how to intentionally put humor in his movies. He also knows how to UNINTENTIONALLY put humor into his movies.
When I heard his next movie was called The Happening, I thought to myself, “This should be called, ‘M. Night Shyamalan’s I’m Out of Ideas’” or, “Something Scary But I Don’t Know What!” And this movie is PERFECT for riffing, folks! Seriously, when all those construction workers were falling to their deaths, who wasn’t singing “It’s Raining Men”? When Mark Wahlberg told a plastic plant he was sending out good vibes, who didn’t follow that up with, “I GOT SOME… SWEEEEEEEET SENSATIONS!”
Speaking of Mark Wahlberg, have you noticed Shyamalan has a tendency to put halfway decent actors in his movies and asks them not to act? As for Zooey Deschanel- oh… well, I don’t think he had to ask her to do anything different. Hey- Is that Dante from “Clerks”? Dante, do the thing. Say the line. Say, “I’m not even supposed to be here today!” Hey… w-wha… why are you driving your jeep into that tree? Dante? DANTE!
“I’m not supposed to be here TODAAAAAAAAYYYY-” Crash. Damn you, Shyamalan!
Troll 2 (1990)
"This isn't even makeup, they found me at a bus station in Newark!"
A movie so bad, it has it’s own documentary made about it. This movie so full of cheese, it’s amazing! From the music, the goofy masks, the overacting. It’s delicious! You’ve seen the memes. Now watch the movie!
The minute you get to those opening titles, you know you‘re in for a good time. Three minutes of goblins (not trolls, mind you) hopping through bushes in those silly Halloween costumes with that upbeat tempo playing. That’s my ringtone, baby!
In the movie, if you eat this green cool whip looking stuff given to you by the goblins, you turn into goblin food. When little Joshua sees his family is about to eat a table full of goblin food, he comes up with the only way he knows how to stop them! By urinating on it! I don’t see what the problem was. He was just marking his territory.
“I dunno, Jim. That’s one ugly Muppet.”
These are just a few of the hidden gems out there. What bad movies made you lose bladder control on a table of goblin food? Leave a comment and let us know!
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