Insane Predictions for the 2014 NFL Season
Insane Predictions for the 2014 NFL Season
by G.C. Rodriguez
Some websites have professionally trained experts to predict the NFL Season, others have former coaches or players. GGR has a special prognosticator who can see the future for some of the NFL teams. A cautionary tale to many an NFL fan of what to expect this football season, beware!
- Brian Hoyer shocks the league and has the Browns on course for a winning season when he blows out his knee again, unfortunately. His backup, the highly touted Johnny Manziel sets a new NFL record and is fined exactly the amount he would have received from his paychecks. With his endorsement deals, Manziel still makes 5 million in 2014. The Browns lose every game he starts, but Manziel sure is exciting!
- The Buffalo Bills move to Toronto at the behest of new owner, John Bon Jovi. When angry Bills fans demand the head of Bon Jovi, his song “Dead or Alive” hits #1 in the Buffalo area.
- The Washington Redskins will start the season 0-4 but will be forced to change their name mid-season. They manage to rattle off 12 straight wins because of the new name. All the people who were opposed to changing it because of “tradition” go out and buy new Washington memorabilia and pretend they were for the name change all along.
- The San Francisco 49ers will set a new record in embarrassing fashion: All 52 players on their team will be arrested at some point this year. Jim Harbaugh will be the first coach in the modern era to put on a helmet and quarterback his team.
- The Denver Broncos will continue a disturbing trend of their normally straight laced players being suspended for illegal drug use: Peyton Manning will receive a 4 game suspension at the end of the year for doing ‘shrooms at Burning Man.
- The Pittsburgh Steelers, desperate for a turn-around after a 2-5 start to the season, beg Ben Rothlisburger to go back to his dirt bag ways and he harasses a waitress at an Eat n Park. He is suspended for the remainder of the season as well as Mike Tomlin for his part in the plan.
- Pete Carroll, coach of the Seahawks, is embroiled in controversy and the NFL levies a stiff fine to the team and loss of draft picks, which Carroll dodges by returning to college football to coach the University of Miami.
- The Green Bay Packers new in-stadium sandwich, the Horse Collar Kielbasa covered in beer cheese sauce and fried sauerkraut, breaks new attendance records…at the nearest hospital to Lambeau Field as the Packers have a record number of fans who have massive heart attacks after eating it.
- After scoring his first touchdown of the year Jimmy Graham dunks over the goal post. Drew Brees rushes to stop him to keep the team from being penalized but the goal posts come crashing down on him, ending his season.
- The Oakland Raiders, frustrated with their current stadium deal, move to Los Angeles in the middle of the night. After an embarrassing week 6 loss, they pack up shop and move to San Antonio. After another string of losses, they move to Mexico where they change their name to the Banditos. Their new stadium in Mexico is sponsored by Fritos.
- Jerry Jones, desperate to distract fans from another mediocre Cowboys season, continues the trend of signing high profile, low level players. He signs Plaxico Burress to the team. This has an amazing outcome as Plax catches a game winning touchdown. In a bit of self-deprecating humor, Plaxico celebrates by shooting imaginary pistols in the air, then holstering them. He misses the rest of the season with an inexplicable imaginary gunshot wound to the leg.
- The Baltimore Ravens win their first 7 games and, for good luck, Joe Flacco doesn’t shave. The gross mustache he grows disgusts the fans and no one shows up to the rest of their games. They’re the first team to have all of their remaining home games blacked out.
- The Philadelphia Eagles are wrapped up in a multi-million dollar lawsuit when Chip Kelly uses a picture of Taylor Swift as a symbol for a defensive scheme (“I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling 22” means 2 deep coverage). When she plays the Wells Fargo Center in November, Taylor Swift is pelted with Cheesesteaks.
- The Miami Dolphins mascot, Flipper, is kidnapped. The country is flabbergasted but a few people point out this is very similar to the plot of “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective.” After a thorough investigation, it turns out the Dolphins staged the whole thing in an attempt to be relevant again.
- The New York Jets will hire a new kicker off the street who manages to win them 4 games in a row on last second field goals. He uses an old style of kicking: barefoot. Ready to win the division, their new kicker lines up for the game winning field goal, but Rex Ryan can’t control himself and runs onto the field and licks the kicker’s foot, costing the team 15 yards. The new kicker is too frightened and grossed out to focus and shanks the kick.
- Jim Irsay, owner of the Indianapolis Colts, distraught over his 6 game suspension, ends up in a high-stakes poker game at a Native American Casino. He bets his stake in the Colts and loses to a mysterious poker player. When he awakes the next morning, he rushes to Lucas Oil Field in hopes to strike a deal with the new owners. He sees Mayflower moving trucks peeling out as he gets there and a note left on the jumbotron that says “Payback is a b-, isn’t it Jim? Baltimore sends their best. Love the LOS ANGELES Colts.”
- The New England Patriots, who have become bored with simply winning games in a traditional sense, start trying to one-up each other with the best "walk off" poses.