15 Sports Figures Who Deserve Their Own Products
Lebron James has his own Sprite (orange and cherry flavoring) and I was on a quest to find this mystical elixir. I don't even like Lebron, but sweet Joshua Christmas, that stuff is delicious! Other than putting me on pace for diabetes, this soda got me wondering...what other athletes deserve their own products?
We'll start this list with some of my own favorites, the local DC Sports Pantheon.
15. The Stephen Strasburger
It starts off amazing, possibly the best burger you've ever had...then it falls apart. No big deal, we can put it back together, right? So you give it time to come back together and then it's pretty great again! Then it starts melting down after 1 bad inning and loses it's confidence and is taken off the menu for 15-30 days at a time.
"Can I go on the DL again? I just...I got a case of the Mondays. Womp Womp."
14. Bryce Harper Energy Drink
You will have more energy, but you will also be prone to outbursts of anger because you REFUSE TO LOSE. You'll also get thrown at by opposing pitchers and crash into walls busting open your chin in the process and scaring the sh*t out of every Nats fan.
"THERE'S NO WAY THOSE KIDS ARE GOING TO BEAT ME AROUND THE BASES!
13. Alex Ovechkin Vodka
Very strong, the best of it's kind, but because it's so good it hides major deficiencies in the rest of the brand, making Capitals Liquor look better than it actually is.
The only guy who could show up to a classy event in DC wearing a track suit and no one would care.
Ovi: Track suit like tuxedo in my country. HAHAHAHA OVI BEST))))))))))))))))))))))))))
12. Nick Backstrom Cocktail Mixer
The hands down best mixer, it supports Ovechkin Vodka and makes it better, but no one recognizes it for it's ability to improve what it mixes. Those Swedes and their modesty.
"BORK BORK BORK"
11. RGIII Wine
It starts off great and gives you hope that things will be good again...but it has problems with it's "legs"...and too many commercial endorsements. It should focus more on being a good quarterbac.....I mean...wine.
:"I can't hear you with my Beats by Dr. Dre. Maybe it's the Sony transmitter or the Motorola receiver. Makes sense though that I can't get the receiver."
10. Dan Snyder Cable Network
It will find a way to offend you and then try to convince you that you are not offended, in fact you are HONORED. Then it will take as much money as possible, ride the coat-tails of it's historic past while not offering anything worth watching, and then sue you if you try and cancel it. And it's short. And Beady-eyed.
A sport coat over a hoody? What a jackass!
9 and 8. Hernandez Rice-a-Roni
At one point, it was Ray Rice-a-roni, and that just beat you up with flavor, but now that Hernandez is involved, it'll kill ya...with how delicious it is!
Ray...maybe that Nike shirt wasn't the best choice for you.
7. San Francisco 49ers Investment Planners
Sign a contract to play in San Fran, play a year or two then retire before you get arrested!
From left to right: Arrested, Retired, Retired, Retired, Traded to Cleveland...which is the worst punishment.
6. Barry Bonds' All Natural Muscle Building Supplements
Are you a skinny kid playing in Pittsburgh and want to make the big bucks in free agency? Use Barry Bond's All Natural Muscle Building Supplements! You'll be crushing homers into McCovey Cove in no time!
Yeah, you got that big because of "All Natural" flaxseed oil and arthritis balm.
5. The Ben Roethlis-Burger
It's big, it's impressive and it delivers in the clutch. Keep it away from college girls and female casino workers...it gets a bit hard to "handsy".
"No, my hand wasn't in my pan....OK, yeah it was."
4. Sidney Crosby's Sour Candy
You can be a crybaby just like Sid the Kid with these sour tearjerkers!
"I really wish they would stop playing 'Unbreak My Heart.' It get's me every time."
3 and 2. Manning Brothers School For Facial Expressions
Have you ever wished you could look cool under pressure, never look rattled, and be 'that handsome guy' no matter what? Call The Manning Brothers for their expert tutelage!
Just stick to Papa Johns you no chinned doofus. And Eli...you'll probably have an amazing December and January at some point and win another Super Bowl you jerk. You look like Frankenstein in this picture.
1. Philadelphia Fan's Choice Cheesesteaks
Cheesesteaks are incredibly delicious but they come at a price. Much like drinking the water in Mexico, if you're not from here and you consume it...you will most likely die of violent diarrhea.
"Ahhh, the city of Brotherly Lo.....oh god, where's the bathroom?"
Any products I miss? Please, let us know! We'd love to hear what you have to say, too!
G.C. Rodriguez is a featured writer for GGR: The Great Geek Refuge